Some tests are Goliaths –

A painful, broken heart forced me to look back to face my past.  A heart held captive and suppressed for years in a deep canyon of bondage, pain and sorrow from childhood abuse and relational abuse.

It’s been difficult, but necessary to turn my heart to reflect on the daily and steadfast walk through my parent’s sickness and death and 8 years of battling cancer with my late husband.

Situations where love, faithfulness and loyalty were tested.  Situations where my emotions became so buried I could not get beyond the unresolved hurt and pain to remember to love myself in the process.

I embraced raising my kids as a single mom.  I did my best to share the love of the Lord and to provide positive experiences for them.  But, I suppressed my failures and inadequacies to meet them in areas I could not.

I avoided relationships for 12 years.  But, I did pray for someone who would treat me well.

The Lord brought me a loving and caring person.   I thought I was ready and in a place where I could open a space in my heart.  But, my unresolved wounds and broken heart  shut me down to withdraw for reasons not understood.  My fear and reluctance pushed away the love I desired – unable to embrace it because I did not believe I was worthy to receive it. Sadly, more pain spewed on myself and someone who loved me – more than I loved myself.

What happens when you fail the test? –

The loss of his love, tests and trials finally broke me to ashes.  I realized my post to my daughters for Mother’s Day – was given to me directly from the Lord for my benefit.

When love comes your way, but you cannot grasp or embrace it because of a severe broken heart, what do you do?

Where do you search when you cannot find the right passage in the maze of your heart to accept love?

What do you do when you stumble and fall praying and pleading for answers – praying and pleading for answers – praying and pleading for answers, but they do not come?

You walk in God’s ways and wait until He answers.

Did I know how deeply I was loved by our Lord?  No –

This year the Lord has slowly been shining His light of love on the hidden shadows and buried pain – freeing my heart to love myself and to love again.

Genesis 1:1 says, “In the beginning God created…”  What He created was good, very good.  What He created was beautiful, very beautiful.

God loves me, God loves me, God loves me – completely.

He has said this is my year of hope and promise.  A beautiful life is unfolding. A beautiful life He is creating anew.

To get there the process has been painful, tearful and the steep mountain climb burdensome. But, at the end of the trials of purging my past life, past pain/sorrow and my house filled with a stuck life –  the Lord said there is something grand waiting for me.

Frozen in fear, despair and defeat, I could not face the past in my own strength.  The wounds could not be healed until the Lord poured out His grace, love and power into my life to heal them.  A part of me has died with pain so deep, but –

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God has melted my heart into the ashes where new life grows –